Author’s Note: This story is a ‘missing scene’ from Season 2 Episode 16 titled ‘God Johnson’ and it was written for Lynn who requested a fic where God spanks Lucifer for talking back to Mum. If you haven’t seen the episode, the story might not make a lot of sense.
Disclaimer: I don’t own any of these characters, and I’m not making any money from this story.
Warning: Non-consensual spanking of an angel by a deity.

God's Guidance

Seeing his father again after so many years was really doing a number on Lucifer’s emotions. There was still a tiny sliver of doubt in his mind that the man formerly known as Earl Johnson was in fact God in the flesh, but that miniscule amount of uncertainty was easy to ignore when he wanted a confrontation so badly. Ranting at him and punching him had been more than satisfying; it had been cathartic. And if everything went to plan, this evening was going to be even more so.

Dear old Dad was currently in the backseat of Doctor Linda’s car staring out the window like the mental patient he’d been posing as. The good doctor had just helped them break out of said mental institution, and they were on their way to Lucifer’s club, Lux. Lucifer was busy concocting a brilliant plan, if he did say so himself. He was in the front seat talking to his mother on her cell phone. Or the cell phone that used to belong to Charlotte Richards before his mother, the Goddess of creation, had taken over the poor woman’s body.

“Yes, Mum, I know you’re not at my beck and call, but it’s important. I have something I want to show you, and believe me, you’re going to want to see it.”

“Fine,” she said, sighing.

Lucifer heard her taking the phone away from her ear and rushed to say loudly, “Wear something nice!” He heard silence on the other end, and put his phone away.

Linda parked in front of Lux and said, “She’s coming I take it?”

“Yes,” Lucifer said with a wide grin as he stepped out of the car and opened the back seat. “Which means we need to hurry and get you ready.”

“Ready?” God asked as he got out of the car.

“You can’t see Mum for the first time in a few millennia wearing that.” Lucifer glared at the jeans and plaid shirt his father was wearing. He ushered the older man into the building and said, “Luckily we look to be the same height and weight, so you can wear one of my suits.”

“I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to look my best.”

Lucifer turned to Linda and said, “Could you please wait by the bar in case my mother arrives before we’re done?”

“Of course.” Linda walked towards the bar while Lucifer and God went up to the penthouse.

Ten minutes later, thanks to Lucifer’s urging, his father was dressed appropriately, and they were on the way back down to the bar. Lucifer didn’t notice until they were stepping out of the elevator that his father was still wearing the same awful belt with the garish silver belt buckle that he’d been wearing with his jeans. Lucifer had handed him an expensive Italian belt to match the shoes he was wearing, but clearly that hadn’t been put on. He scowled in distaste, his sense of fashion offended by the obvious faux pas. He opened his mouth to tell his father to go back and fix it, but he heard the outside door to Lux opening and knew it was too late.

He pushed his father along towards the piano and hissed in a whisper, “Go sit down and wait. She’s here.”

Once he saw that his father was indeed walking towards the piano bench, Lucifer scurried towards the bar where he found Linda standing behind it waiting for him. He squatted down, and tugged at her arm so she had to squat down as well.

“What are you doing?” Linda asked.

His only reply was to shush her and strain his ears to hear what might happen.

“Lucifer?” His mother’s voice called out. “What is it you wanted to show me?”

Lucifer grabbed his tablet that he’d linked up to control the electronics at Lux. He pushed a couple of buttons, and the lights turned on along with some romantic music. He let go of Linda’s hand and they both carefully peeked up from behind the bar to see the ensuing confrontation.

“Well now.” God stood and slowly walked towards her. “You are as radiant as the moment we first met.”

Lucifer’s mother just stared at the bearded man in the suit.

“Explain to me what’s going on please,” Linda whispered to Lucifer.

“I’m trying to recreate their first date,” Lucifer explained.

“You’re what? Wait. You’re… you’re trying to parent trap God and the divine Goddess?” Linda hissed incredulously.

“What? It worked in the movie.” Lucifer couldn’t take his eyes away from his parents as he explained his plan to his therapist. “Don’t you see? With Dad here on Earth, I don’t need the flaming sword or a trip to heaven to exact my revenge.”

“How is having them fall in love again revenge?” Linda asked.

Lucifer chuckled, “Oh trust me doctor, after a brief re-honeymoon period, they’ll start torturing each other like they always do. Mum and Dad together: their own worst punishment. It’s genius!”

Across the room the divine Goddess was scrutinizing the man in front of her. “Do I know you?”

“Only since the beginning of time,” he confirmed.

“What is this?” She backed up a step and looked around “Where is Lucifer?”

“Oh who knows. That son of ours is unpredictable to say the least.”

When she heard the man call Lucifer their son, her eyes snapped back to his, and she looked into them trying to see the truth. “Husband?” She walked even closer so they were a foot apart. “Is this really you?”

“In the flesh,” he said, and when she reached her hands up to touch his arms, he put his hands on her waist.

The instant they were touching, the Goddess brought her knee up into his groin as hard as she could. He groaned in pain, and slowly sank to the floor.

“You put me in hell you bastard,” she snarled as he fell.

Lucifer couldn’t help but snicker as he watched his father fall to the floor in excruciating pain. But his mother heard the noise, and her eyes zeroed in on him.

“Lucifer!” she said, striding towards him with determination.

His stomach did a dive when he saw her ire aimed at him. Clearing his throat, he stood, and straightened his jacket. “Now, Mum. Don’t get yourself worked up about this.”

“Worked up? I’ll show you worked up if you don’t explain yourself right now!”

Linda backed away and muttered, “I’ll just go check on… God.” Shaking her head at the way that sounded, she rushed over to check on the man who was still on the floor groaning. With her help, he carefully stood and eased himself onto one of the bench seats at a table, and she sat beside him.

Purposely leaving the bar between them, Lucifer said, “What is there to explain? Father is here, and he asked me to arrange a meeting. I don’t see why you’re angry with me about it.”

She glared at him. “You don’t see how this could be a problem?” She looked back distrustfully at the man in the booth, and then back to Lucifer. She pointed a spot on the ground in front of her. “Come here.”

“I think not,” Lucifer said, staying where he was.

“Do as your mother says,” God said in a matter of fact tone.

Both Lucifer and his mother stared at the man in the booth for several seconds, not quite believing they’d heard him correctly. When Lucifer still didn’t move, God stood and took a few steps towards them. “Come over here, son, and listen to your mother.”

Scowling, Lucifer walked around to the other side of the bar, and stood a good distance away from either of his parents. “I didn’t break you out so that you could run interference between me and Mum, I broke you out so you could see her.” He gestured towards his mother, trying to redirect his father’s attention.

“Broke him out? Broke him out of where?” his mum asked, putting her hands on her hips.

“Where I found him doesn’t matter!” Lucifer snipped. He didn’t want her to find out they’d been in a mental hospital, because then it would take even longer to convince her that it was in fact God standing there with them.

“Watch your tone, Samiel” God said sternly.

“Watch my tone?” Lucifer said with disbelief. “Are you joking?”

“Absolutely not. You will show your mother respect.” God crossed his arms, and gave Lucifer a displeased glare.

The Goddess looked back and forth a few times between the two men, not sure what to make of it. She crossed her arms as well and said, “Broke him out of where, Lucifer?”

Turning his irritation towards his mother, Lucifer snapped, “None of your business!”

God took the four steps that separated them, grabbed Lucifer’s upper arm, and swatted his backside twice.

“Dad!” Lucifer was utterly shocked. Not only that his father had smacked him, but also that it had really hurt. His eyes darted around the room to see if Chloe had somehow sneaked in while they were talking, but found no one other than a surprised Linda staring back at him.

“Don’t sass your mother,” God said before letting go of Lucifer’s arm.

Lucifer put both hands back to rub out the soreness, and took a couple of steps towards his mother while glaring at his father. “Don’t sass Mum? That’s rich coming from you. You sent her to hell, and you’re upset about a little backchat?”

“Now son, I wouldn’t think I’d have to explain this to you at your age, but just because your mother and I are arguing, that doesn’t make it okay for you to be rude to either one of us.”

Lucifer let go of his rear end, stuck his hands in his pockets, and moved even closer to his mother so that she was between him and God.

She gestured towards God and whispered, “What is HE doing here, Lucifer?”

“I don’t know,” he answered with a pout. “You married him.”

“Well it kind of ruins our plans to storm the gates of heaven and destroy him,” she whispered.

“Well, I’m thinking we might not need to do that anymore.”

“I will never forgive him if that’s what you’re getting at.” She glared at her son.

He leaned down a little to speak in her ear. “I don’t expect you to forgive him. How many years did you spend in hell thinking about revenge, Mum?” He gestured to his father. “Here’s your opportunity.”

She moved a step back and glared at her son. After a few seconds pause she said, “Are you trying to goad us into a fight?”

“What?” He stepped away from both of them. “It’s not my fault that the two of you can never get along!”

“You didn’t answer the question.” She took a menacing step towards him. “Are you trying to goad us into a fight?”

“So what if I am?!” He tossed his hands in the air in exasperation. “You’ve both manipulated me time and time again! So I’d say…” He saw God moving towards him with determination in his eyes, and backed up a few steps. “…it’s my turn.”

God clamped a hand on Lucifer’s upper arm, turned his eyes to his wife, and said softly, “I’m sorry, but clearly two swats only served to rile him up. Do you mind waiting while I deal with this?”

Lucifer tried to pull his arm away, and said in a rush, “I’m not riled up, and I don’t need dealt with!”

“Of course,” the Goddess said with a curt nod.

God headed back to the bench seat, towing a struggling Lucifer behind him.

“Dad, wait!” Lucifer started to panic when he realized he couldn’t pull his arm out of his father’s grip. “You’re not supposed to be focused on me! You’re supposed to be focused on Mum!”

When Linda saw them coming, she scooted over to the other side of the large bench.

“Dad!” Lucifer’s voice was full of dismay as God sat, and easily pulled Lucifer down across his lap in one move. It had been a few millennia since the last time his father had turned him over his knee, and he had zero desire to experience it again. “Not in front of the doctor and Mum!” he whined.

“I think this is well past due, son, and I don’t much care who’s watching.”

A quick volley of hard slaps to his rear end made Lucifer screech with a mix of indignation and shock.

As he spanked, God said, “I will not abide you being disrespectful to your mother, or trying to manipulate the two of us.”

Lucifer’s eyes turned red and roared, “I have every right to manipulate you! You’ve been manipulating me my entire life!”

God shook his head, stopped spanking, and reached under Lucifer’s stomach to undo his slacks. “I’m your father, Samiel. It’s my job to try and guide you to become the man I know you can be.”

“Dad!” Lucifer reached back to grab the waistband of his slacks.

“I’m sorry you see my guidance as manipulation, son, but I’m not about to stop guiding you, simply because you don’t like it, because I’m doing it for you.” He slapped the back of Lucifer’s hand while tugging at his slacks.

Lucifer automatically let go and felt his pants pooling around his ankles. His eyes went back to brown before he hid his face in his hands and groaned. Of course he’d decided to go commando today of all days. “Dad, please,” his soft words were muffled by his hands, but everyone could hear the shame in his tone.

“Please what, son?”

“Please don’t. This is humiliating,” Lucifer mumbled.

God patted the naked backside over his lap and said with sympathy, “I know. Embarrassment is part of the punishment.” He started spanking again, and reiterated his points while Lucifer squirmed and whined. “You will not sass your mother. You will not manipulate us, or try to goad us into fighting. If you disagree with us, you will do so in a respectful tone.” Having said his piece, he focused on turning Lucifer’s entire bottom a bright red.

After years and years of feeling neglected by his father, Lucifer couldn’t handle this type of hands-on guidance from God without getting overly emotional. Years’ worth of anger and resentment were still boiling under the surface, but after a surprisingly short amount of time over his father’s lap, all he wanted was forgiveness. With tears in his eyes, he said, “I’m sorry! Dad, I’m sorry! Please forgive me.”

“Of course I forgive you, son,” God said gently before raising his hand higher and bringing it down in an almighty slap on his son’s bottom. A loud crack followed by a shocked yelp of pain filled the room.

God patted Lucifer’s back, and said, “All done.”

Lucifer shoved himself up off his father’s lap, leaned down to grab his pants off the floor, and immediately pulled them up to hide his punished bottom from the room. Once his dignity was somewhat restored by the clothing, he angrily wiped the stray tears off his face, and glared at his father.

God stood, and Lucifer’s previous glare slipped into a worried frown as he backed up a step.

“You’d best behave yourself now,” God said, “And if you’re going to sulk go do it by the doctor so I can talk to my wife without your interference.”

There was no way Lucifer was going to sit down at this point, so he gestured for Linda to follow him back to the bar. Seemingly too stunned to speak, Linda rushed to follow him.

God turned to his wife and said, “I’m sorry for that interruption.”

The Goddess shrugged and said, “That’s all right. I’ve thought about putting our son over my knee more than once over the past couple of months.”


The both ignored their son’s indignant squawk, and the Goddess added with a glare, “But now that he’s taken care of, it’s time to talk about us.”

“Look at you,” God said with a soft smile. “You’re an absolute vision. Glowing even now.”

“Oh, you have no idea,” she muttered.

“For the life of me, I can’t even remember why we were fighting.”

Scowling, she raised her voice. “The flames! Eternal damnation. Kind of hard to forget.”

“I’m so sorry that you suffered,” he said, moving closer to her.

“Well… I suppose I should apologize for trying to destroy your precious toy with the floods and the plagues and whatnot. I guess humanity isn’t entirely awful. They did make vodka, roller coasters, and triple cream brie.”

“Did you hear about dancing?” God asked.

“Yes. I actually did some of that on a table once.”

God eyes darted over to Lucifer’s, and he gave his son a nod of expectation. Still feeling quite sore and overly emotional, Lucifer scowled and used his tablet to turn the music and lights back on.

“Would you do me this honor?” God asked his wife while holding out his hand.

To everyone’s surprise, she took his hand, and let him guide her into his arms as they started to sway together.

Lucifer stared at the spectacle of his parents dancing and smiling at each other, and felt something akin to hope slowly swelling in his chest.

After scrutinizing her patient for a few seconds, Linda said, “Are you sure it’s revenge you’re after?”

“Of course it is.” Lucifer said quietly, unable to take his eyes off his parents. “What else would it be?”

After looking at his wife’s confused expression, God asked, “What’s the matter?”

“This.” She gestured between the two of them. “I didn’t think this was possible. This wasn’t part of the plan.”

“So maybe…” he held her even closer, and said softly, “Maybe we make a new plan. This time we make it together.” He took that opportunity in the dance to dip her, and then pressed his lips to hers.

The door to Lux banged open and Chloe came barging in with eight other cops on her heels. “Lucifer!” she yelled with annoyance when she saw him.

“Detective!” He yelled with just as much annoyance, since she was ruining his plans.

“Seriously?!” she said to herself and then gestured for the cops to round up everyone. “Okay, outside now.”

# # #

An hour later Lucifer was back at the mental ward trying to explain his actions to Chloe while taking the lovely drugs the nurse was offering up for free. As usual, the detective didn’t believe anything he said, so he settled into his room for the night.

Then half an hour after that Lucifer was woken up by the murderous nurse that had brought him and the detective to this mental ward in the first place. The nurse handcuffed both Lucifer and God to hospital beds, and dragged them to the same room so she could question them about what the police knew. The nurse ranted about how much she’d hated her mother, and how she had gotten her revenge by killing her.

Lucifer said, “Yes, yes, you’re preaching to the choir here. Meddling parents deserve everything that’s coming to them and more.”

“Surely you don’t mean that son,” God said, looking carefully in Lucifer’s eyes.

They both ignored the ranting nurse, and focused on each other. Lucifer scowled and said, “Of course I do, Dad! Why do you think I broke you out of here and put you and Mum in the same room together tonight?”

“Now I had no idea you were so angry with me.”

“Really?” Lucifer found that impossible to believe. “Because I’ve been pretty up front about it.”

“I know you’ve been upset, but angry enough to destroy me? That’s pretty serious. Wanna tell me why?” God asked.

“Because I’m your son, and you rejected me.” Lucifer scowled once the words were out of his mouth. The drugs were making him more prone to honesty than he normally would have been.

“No son, I never rejected you. If that’s how you felt when I sent you to hell, then I’m sorry. Truly I am. But I did that for you. You needed time and space away from your family to become your own man. And I have to say after watching you for the past couple of years with that detective of yours, I’m proud of the man you’re becoming. I really am.”

“Proud?” Lucifer repeated softly, not quite believing his ears. He’d wanted to hear the apology and the words of encouragement for so long, that it was difficult to take it in. “But… you smacked me.”

God nodded. “I did. You still need plenty of guidance to become the man I know you can be, and the detective’s gentle persuasion will do a better job of guiding you than my forcing you to behave would. Which is why she’s here.” He turned and looked towards the door.

The nurse who had been ranting while they talked, decided it was time to kill them both, and reached for God’s belt to stage a suicide.

“No! Not my belt!” God said as she pulled it off him.

Before the nurse could wrap it around God’s neck, Chloe came rushing in with her gun and yelled, “Freeze!”

“Detective!” Lucifer said with joy.

“Where the hell am I?” Earl Johnson said, looking down at his cuffed hands.

“Dad?” Lucifer asked.

“Who are you?” Earl demanded. “What the hell is going on around here? Why am I handcuffed to this bed?”

All the joy Lucifer had been feeling slowly drained away as he noticed the garish belt buckle that had fallen to the floor. An idea started to form in his mind and with it the realization that he’d been fooled into believing something that simply wasn’t true. Maybe he’d wanted to believe it so badly, that he didn’t even try to resist the idea that his father had actually been there, no matter what everyone had been telling him.

He leaned back on the bed, and let the anger that was always under the surface swell up inside him. For a few brief seconds Earl Johnson had vanquished the drive Lucifer felt to destroy his father, but now that drive was back with a vengeance.

Then Chloe was there, running her fingers through his hair, leaning close, holding his hand, and asking if he was okay. All his thoughts about revenge took a backseat as he focused on her, and the love he saw in her eyes in moments like these when she thought he’d been in danger. He squeezed her hand, and reassured her that he was physically unharmed, and let her presence calm the emotional turmoil inside his head.

The End

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