Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, and I'm not making any money from this story.
Angel Comes to Smallville
Warning: This story does not contain spanking.
Martha was busy in her kitchen baking her famous apple pies. Wednesday was always the day of the week that she spent baking her pies for the Talon. She usually sent an order of ten pies to Lana and then she baked five pies for Clark. He was still a growing boy and thank God she was a good cook otherwise they might not be able to afford his appetite.
Her labors were interrupted by a knock on the door. She opened the door and was surprised to find a man covered head to toe with a blanket and a woman who appeared to be blue.
"Hello, do I know you?" she asked in her best confused hostess voice. The man stepped inside and the blue person proceeded to pull down all the shades and close the door.
As soon as he took the blanket off she realized that he looked very familiar. "My name is Angel and I am the vampire with a soul. My show followed yours for two years until we got the ax this spring."
Martha found herself very overcome with emotion at the thought of cancellation. While she and Jonathon had discussed the possibility from time to time the reality was just too much to conceive.
"We are here on our own to discuss the possibility of a crossover show. This is Illyria. I don't even know how to explain who she is, or even what she is, just take my word for it- she just is."
The blue female fixed her with a level stare and said "Hello mother of one so handsome and muscular and
Angel put his hand to silence her and said "That is so not why we're here, and I don't really see how his physique is any better than mine. We're just a different type that's all."
Jonathon chose that particular moment to enter the kitchen. "Martha there is a limo outside with a green guy inside do we-" He then noticed the pair standing in the kitchen.
"Jon this is Angel and Illyria. They were both on the show right after ours and they have been cancelled." Jonathon shook his head in sympathy.
Illyria immediately began circling the farmer. He began to return her look of interest.
Martha noticed this and suggested that Jon show the blue person the barn and he gladly did just that. Angel walked closer to Martha after the pair was gone. "So are you a vampire too Martha?" he asked.
Martha shook her head no and asked, "Why would you think that?"
The vampire with a soul got even closer to the farmer's wife and took a deep breath as if smelling her. "You are so beautiful and youthful to have a sixteen year old son. I just assumed
..you know eternal youth and all that."
Martha blushed to the roots of her hair. "Oh Angel, what a sweet thing to say."
The vampire reached for the redhead and pressed his cold lips against hers in a passionate kiss.
Clark got off the school bus and noticed a limo sitting in the driveway and wondered what it was all about. And if that wasn't curious enough he walked into the barn and noticed his dad in the back of the barn with a woman who was blue. He seemed to be kissing her pretty intently and for a moment Clark was worried, but then he realized that she was probably just his cousin or something.
The teen walked up the steps to find someone in his loft. "Who are you?" he asked.
"I'm Connor from Angel the series. I'm the angsty teenager on our show."
Clark puffed out his considerable chest and said "Well for your information all of the teenagers on our show are angsty, but I'm the lead. So there."
Connor didn't look too happy to be outdone and he gave Clark the broody stare that worked so well with his father and the fang gang.
Connor started and Clark responded:
"I was raised in a hell dimension"
"I am from another planet"
"I hate my biological father"
"I hate my biological father"
"I sunk him to the bottom of the ocean in a steel box"
"I blew up my spaceship just so that I wouldn't have to hear his voice anymore"
"I am the destroyer"
"I actually needed glasses for one episode"
"I tried to stake my dad when he was his evil alter-ego Angelus"
"I put on a red ring and became my own alter-ego Kal and ran away to Metropolis riding my father's prize possession his motorcycle"
Clark crossed his arms and smiled certain that he had won. Connor however was becoming more and more determined to win. "I slept with my dad's girlfriend, who was just like my mother and impregnated her with a demon spawn that I later had to kill by the way"
Clark looked farm boy horrified and said, "All right you win and by the way gross dude."
Connor cocked his head and said, "Wait I hear someone coming."
Clark could see Lana coming up the stairs. "It's all right dogboy, it's just Lana."
She walked over to where they were standing and suddenly screamed, "Connor!"
Before he knew what had hit him the vampires son was on the receiving end of a huge hug from the ex cheerleader.
Clark was confused (which was not unusual). "Lana how do you know Connor?"
She turned to Clark with a look of sheer frustration. "Because I watch the show moron."
Clark grabbed Lana's arm and pulled her over by the stairs where hopefully Connor couldn't hear. "Lana, you think you know this guy because you watch him on TV, but he has some really large issues."
Lana glared at Clark and walked back over to where Connor stood. "You know Clark I'm surprised at your lack of understanding. He's different and there is no one else in the world like Connor, but that's what makes him special. You should be more accepting of others unlike yourself. He needs understanding and love and the chance to live peacefully among us."
She then turned to Connor and did not see the amazed and disgusted look on Clark's face. She again embraced Connor in another tight hug. "You poor baby."
Connor peeked out from a small wall of pink angora and smirked at Clark. Clark needed to do something fast to get Lana away from Connor. "Hey do you want to do something? Like maybe basketball?" he hopefully asked.
"Do you have an X-box?"
Clark shook his head, "My parents are too poor for that kind of stuff, and they have a hard enough time buying me a new plaid shirt for every episode."
Connor shrugged "Don't worry I have an extra in the limo. On our show we were supposed to be helping the poor and helpless and not enjoying financial gain. But suddenly my dad's wearing nothing but Hugo Boss and Calvin Klein. Hell, just one of those leather dusters is worth six grand, and he has a whole closet of them. And if he gets just one little stake hole he throws the whole coat out."
Lex Luthor was doing his usual eighty miles per hour in his sports car. He executed a very quick right turn into the Kent driveway and almost rear ended a limo which was sitting in his spot in the driveway. Getting out of the car he stomped over to the limo and yanked open the door and saw the green occupant and demanded, "Who and what the hell are you and why is your limo in my spot!"
"Hold onto your five-hundred dollars pants, cupcake. I'm Loren, the only really funny guy/sidekick on the whole Angel Investigation team. We're here to discuss a possible crossover."
"You still haven't told me what you are."
Loren stepped out of the limo and gave Lex the once over and chuckled. "Well now mini-muffins, that's the big mystery on our show. Some think I'm straight, some think I'm gay and some think I walk both sides of the street."
Lex gave Loren a look of disdain perfected by generations of Luthor's. "I meant what are you?"
"Oh that's easy, I'm a demon from Pylea. And you, you are really Lex Luthor handsome, sexy, studley and tortured son of Lionel Luthor the true hell spawn."
Lex smoothed out an imaginary wrinkle on the front of his pants. "That's exactly correct demon, and I am the only rich friend of the poor and downtrodden Kent family, so don't you forget it."
"And if you know my father, then certainly you won't ever be a friend of mine." Lex turned his back on Loren.
"Hold on sweet buns I don't know him, I know of him. My boss Angel the vampire with a soul is head of Wolfram and Hart. Apparently your old man tried to join forces with our little law firm and they found he was just too evil for even us. They said he would give us a bad name. I don't know how bad could he be?"
Lex smirked at Loren "You have no idea; a perfect example is that he blew up our spunky little Chloe in the season finale."
Lex had been so busy with Loren that he hadn't noticed Connor, Clark and Lana approaching. "Yea, well our series finale had a dragon in it but would my father let me fight it of course not. I got sent off to have a wonderful life. Bastard."
"You don't even know kid what having a bastard for a father is all about."
Connor who could never resist a challenge responded and then Lex countered:
"I thought my father was evil"
"My father is evil"
"I tried to kill my father"
"My father gave me electroshock therapy that I didn't need"
"I like to kick my father's ass"
"I like to freeze his assets and maneuver hostile takeovers"
Not willing to lose Connor pulled out his trump card:
"I slept with my father's girlfriend"
A sly smile crept across Lex's face.
"I lied and let my father think that I smothered my baby brother."
Connor kicked the tire on the limo. "Damn it you won."
Clark let go with a war-hoop and high fived Lex. Looking at Connor he said "Smallville one- Angel zip."
Connor sneered at both Lex and Clark, and turned towards Lana looking sad and was immediately rewarded with another pink hug. Clark rolled his eyes in repulsion.
They all looked over to see Jonathon and the blue person walking towards them. Jonathon's hair was all mussed up and he was wearing a loopy grin and Blue had her hand placed on his tush. Seeing this Clark looked at his dad with genuine disgust.
"For Gods sake Dad you're supposed to be the moral compass of our show, not having a make- out session with smurfette!"
Illyria looked at Loren and in an even voice said, "In the next apocalypse I shall save the blond one."
Jonathon gave Illyria one last toothy grin and decided it was time to take charge of the situation. "All right enough character development, everybody back to the kitchen. Let's decide what we need to do."
Everyone followed Jonathon into the kitchen and was very surprised to find Martha sitting on Angel's lap and also involved in a major lip lock. Clark wailed "Mooooom."
"Now Clark, we were just trying to see if there was any physical chemistry that might help their show. You know in case the WB wanted to consider us for a crossover. Of course the logical pairing would be Angel and me."
Lex interrupted her thought with "Hey if we're going to do unusual love matches how about you and me? I've been waiting for three long years now Mrs. Kent."
He stepped in and hugged her. Clark stepped closer to Lex "Get your mitts off of my mother Baldy."
Lex sighed and released the redhead. "Well you can't blame a guy for trying."
Jonathon stepped closer to Lana "Well there are other options you know."
Martha chuckled and shook her finger at her husband. "Jonathon, this isn't the kind of show where fathers and sons sleep with the same woman."
Both Jonathon and Lana said "damn"at the same time. Angel walked over to where Connor was standing "Now see what you've done; now we have a bad reputation for being one of those shows."
Connor shrugged "Doesn't matter we're cancelled anyway."
Angel's cell phone rang and he walked into the living room to take the call. He came back in and shook his head dejectedly. "Sorry folks the powers that be the WB want us to check out a newer, hipper show called Summerland. Thanks for helping us though."
Angel put the blanket back over his head and walked back out to the limo and climbed in.
Illyria walked out holding Jonathon's hand tightly. Loren and Lex walked out discussing evil law firms and Connor and Lana walked out arm in arm.Clark brought up the rear chanting "I hate my life, I hate my life."
Connor and Loren climbed into the limo and only Illyria was left. "C'mon blueberry muffins get back into the limo and leave the farmer alone."
She paused clearly not wanting to. "He has much stamina and is more than a mere mortal."
Loren shook his head "No cupcake, you are confusing him with Clark who is actually a piece of angel food cake sent from another planet."
Angel took offense at this. "Hey, I thought I was angel food cake."
Loren looked sad for a moment and continued "Well cinnamon buns while our cast is good looking, these guys just have us beat in that department. We could have competed but our team took a huge hit with the untimely death of beautiful and way hot Cordelia, and the loss of our resident dense hunk the, Groosalog."
Angel sent his son another long look. "You just had to sleep with my girlfriend didn't you?"
Connor merely shrugged and smiled. Illyria let go of Jonathon and climbed into the limo. They all said good bye and the limo pulled away. Connor looked over his shoulder and said "I don't care what you say, people that good looking are not normal. I think that they are evil."
Angel rolled his eyes "You think that everyone is evil, son."
Connor replied "Well sometimes I'm right" and stuck his tongue out at Angel.
As the Kent family and friends were walking back into the farmhouse Clark paused
"What do you think Angel meant about a newer, hipper show?"
Lana got a horrified look on her face. "What if the cast is more attractive than we are?"
They all paused for a moment to contemplate what she had just said. And then they all started laughing hysterically. Martha was the first to speak "Good one Lana, now how about we go in the house and all have a nice piece of apple pie?"
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