Warnings: Spanking; spoilers up to and including season five of Supernatural; mentions of violence
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Author's Notes: Sam never really doubted that Dean loved him
until now. Set sometime during season five.
SHADES OF GREY
Sam looked up from his laptop as Dean came into the room, not sure if he really wanted to speak to his brother right now. Although Dean had let him come back to hunt with his brother again, Sam still wasn't quite sure how Dean was feeling about him right now.
It was an uncertainty that Sam had never felt before. Up until now, he'd known that Dean cared about him, even if his older brother didn't really show it. But the days when he had been able to read his brother seemed long over. Sam had damaged Dean's trust in him, and he knew he wasn't going to get it back.
Sam was lucky that Dean was letting him continue hunting with him. He shouldn't hope for more. He knew that Dean was still angry with him for siding with Ruby, and even though Sam knew that he'd screwed up, he didn't know how to make things right.
"Hey, Francis. I'm talking to you."
Sam blinked, startled out of his thoughts, when Dean threw a pillow at him. He looked at his brother. "What?"
"Dude, you're not listening to me. What's the matter, little Sammy taking a trip down memory lane?" Dean stepped over to Sam, and pulled the laptop away to look at the screen. "There's not even an adult site on here. Unless you closed it down right before I walked in?"
Sam wasn't sure how he could just pretend that everything was normal between him and Dean when it clearly wasn't. He couldn't just forget the fact that he'd screwed up badly. "I wasn't looking at porn. I was trying to do research."
"Seriously?" Dean stared at his brother, and shook his head in mock sadness. "Come on, Sammy. You're gonna turn into an old man if you're not careful. So why don't I go out and leave you alone to have a little mini-Sammy time, hm?"
"Dean... I can't do this," Sam said quietly.
"Sure you can, Sam. It's really easy to bring up an adult site. Don't tell me you need me to give you a good address?"
Sam shook his head slowly, looking at the laptop and avoiding looking at his brother. Truthfully, the words had escaped him without any conscious thought; but he couldn't just pretend that he hadn't said them, or that he meant something other than what he did. "I don't mean that," he said finally. "I can't go on like this, pretending that everything's fine between us when I know it's not." He finally looked up at Dean. "I don't know how to make things right. I don't know how to make you trust me again." Or how to get his brother to love him again but those words stuck in his throat.
Dean was silent for so long that Sam thought he wasn't going to speak at all, and lowered his head once more. "If I wasn't going to give you a chance, I wouldn't be hunting with you again," Dean replied eventually. "But yeah, you're right. You did screw up, badly. But Sam, this isn't something you can just put right. It's gonna take a while for me to be able to trust you again, but you'll get it back eventually."
"Dean." Sam felt himself flushing a little at what he was about to suggest, but knew that he wanted to make things right between him and his brother. "What about... when we were younger. What Dad used to do. Remember?" He felt his face heat up even more, and stared at his hands, not wanting to look at his brother.
"Let me get this straight, Sam. You want me to yell at you till I'm blue in the face? Or..." Dean's eyes widened. "Dude! Seriously?"
Sam swallowed, idly tracing the blanket under him with a fingertip, still not looking at his brother. "Well, yeah. I mean, you can't just forget what I did. Surely it'll be better if you..." He hesitated, voice trailing off, hoping that Dean would understand what he was asking for. He just wanted to know that his brother still cared about him...
"Sam, you don't want me to do this. I think you're thinking that it's gonna be a couple of mild swats and that's it." Dean stepped nearer to his brother. "If I do this, it's not going to be simple or easy."
"I know, Dean." Sam lifted his head to look at him. "I don't want you to go easy on me. I know you're really mad, and that you'll probably use the... belt on me." He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I just want you to be my brother again..."
Dean hesitated briefly. He then looked steadily at Sam for several moments, before he finally nodded and walked over to the other bed. He sat down, watching Sam. "You'd better get over here, then."
Sam felt butterflies in his stomach as he slowly stood up and walked over to stand by Dean's side. He felt a pit of dread form as he watched Dean remove his belt and place it on the bed next to him. Even though he'd been the one to suggest using the belt, he still didn't really want Dean to use it. Still, he didn't argue, and started to bend over his brother's lap.
"Come on, Sam. You know how this works," Dean said, stopping his brother with a hand on his arm.
"Oh... right..." Feeling his face heat up, Sam put his hands to the button on his jeans and undid them, shoving them down to his ankles. His boxers followed, and then he quickly placed himself over Dean's lap, bracing his hands on the bed. It wasn't the most comfortable position, and Sam shifted a few times, trying to get comfortable. "I'm sorry, Dean," he said quietly.
"I know you are. But, you know, for a supposedly smart guy, you sure have some dumb ideas."
Sam started to ask what Dean meant, but his breath and voice were taken away when Dean's hand landed for the first time. He yelped at the sharp pain, but then tried to keep his exclamations of pain to a minimum as Dean continued spanking him. After all, he was the one who'd asked for this.
But Sam had somehow managed to forget how much a spanking hurt. It didn't take long before he was wriggling and squirming a little over Dean's lap, his bare behind getting heated up. He didn't want to let the tears fall, but as Dean landed some hard swats to the tops of his thighs, Sam couldn't hold the tears back.
When Sam started sobbing, he felt Dean pause. The younger Winchester's stomach tightened in dread as he heard Dean move, knowing that his brother was reaching for the belt. He tensed a little over Dean's lap, his fists tightening on the blankets on the bed.
When the belt landed for the first time, Sam couldn't help the exclamation of pain that escaped from him. It felt like a thin line of fire across his backside, and when the belt landed again, the tears started falling without pause.
By the time Dean finished landing the belt, the blankets under him were soaked with Sam's tears, and his butt felt like an inferno. He was only dimly aware of Dean's hand now comforting instead of punishing gently rubbing his back.
Even though he knew he should, Sam couldn't find the energy to get up yet. The tears were still falling, though gradually lessening, and he wiped at his eyes. "I'm sorry," he said again, his voice barely above a whisper.
"You know, Sam, I never stopped being your brother. And I forgive you for screwing up. It might be the end of the world, but we'll find a way to deal."
Sam pushed himself slowly up off Dean's lap, wincing a little. He disregarded his immediate idea of putting his jeans back on in favour of finding a pair of cotton pants though he still winced a little when he pulled them up and over his sore bottom. "Oww... forgot how much that hurt."
"Hey, Sam?" Dean stood up and moved over towards his brother.
Sam looked up at Dean. "Yeah?"
Dean clapped him on the shoulder. "You think, after the years I've spent protecting you, I'm just gonna turn against you? Not happening, Sam. You did the crime and paid the time we're good now."
With those words, Sam knew that no matter how much he'd screwed up there was one thing he could always count on. They might not say it at all, but Sam knew his brother loved him... and still did, no matter what. The knowledge made him feel much better about the whole thing even letting Lucifer out of his cage.
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